The decision to move to London was a selfish one. A great decision, but ultimately very 'me- motivated.' I think of the reasons why I moved here - to find a more fulfilling job, to live in the most exciting city in the world and let's face it - to shack up with Nigel and 2 1/2 of those things have happened. But something else has happened; I have become overwhelming selfish and increasingly afraid of kids.
The longer I live in London the more discerning I am about how my time is spent. Maybe it's the knowledge of living in a transitional place; it's almost as if this is Senior year and I am doing Study Abroad program so I am compelled to make the most of it. Regardless of the reason, I love being able to walk to the theatre district to catch a matinee or haggle with the guys who sell veggies at the market or drink bottles of wine with my Italian friend Lorenzo while he talks in his own special form of English. I like spending Saturday morning catching up on American telly on the internet with Nig even when the sun comes through the window reminding us we're meant to do more with our lives than watch Modern Family. I am so me-driven that I attend two different bible studies - one just isn't enough. The spirit for helping others continues to live inside me, but it has taken on a different form. I volunteer out of a want not an obligation, which makes the choice to get involved and all my other choices feel more empowered. My friend Jennifer doesn't understand why I haven't been living this way all along. Jennifer, as I've come to learn, knows exactly what she wants to do at any given moment. It's quite an impressive contrast to the majority of the world who listlessly allows life to happen around them.
Yet the one glaring downside to this selfish life is my ability to interact with people with kids or apparently people who are about to have kids has considerably decreased. I used to cherish the time I'd get hang out with my friends with kids, well maybe cherish is too strong of a word. I used to enjoy it for full days - now my limit for kid fun is about 2 hours. 2 measly hours then I am good to go. It's not because I don't love their kids or my love for them has dissipated, it's just I rather spend my last kid free years with other kid free people. Or doing kid free things. My friend from church just announced her pregnancy and the first thing that popped into my mind was - ' I guess we can't hang out ever again.' Which of course is not true, she's not dead or gone, she's just pregnant. She and her lovely husband have joined the People with kids club. Filled with stories of nursing, teething, playdates and all the other beautiful things I have learned from my goddaughter's blog page. It's a world foreign and far off and until I decide to live there, visiting in quick spurts seems appropriate and far less scary.
I blame London. I blame this amazing city for influencing my desire to hang out with children all day long. But I guess if this is truly a semester away program kids wouldn't really be accepted anyway. The time to be selfish is now and after graduation things will have to be reconsidered.
Natasha x
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